"Bi-Topping-Ality" is the fifth episode of Season 3 and the twenty-fifth episode of China, IL.

Summary Edit

Pizza topping preference causes controversy while Steve obsesses over celebrities and Frank has difficulty thanking Crystal after she did him a favor.

Plot Edit


The Mayor bans anchovies.

The Mayor introduces a new banning anchovies in the restaurant, Church of Pizza, and allowing only pepperoni, claiming it's the ideal pizza topping. Watching this ad as arguments begin, Pony plans on fighting this law. Frank ducks suddenly after taking notice of Crystal's entrance, noting that he tried to send her an e-mail of gratitude for a favor she did but failed due to the message bouncing back. Steve tells Frank it's too late to re-send it and he now has to hand-write a note, claiming it's "how celebs do it." Later during class, Steve's lecture is interrupted as a new celebrity student, Trump's Kid, enters. Trump's Kid states that he's heard positive things about Steve, and invites him to drink with his celebrity friends to Steve's excitement. Meanwhile, Pony enters Church of Pizza, protesting the Mayor's anchovy ban but is silenced by the Mayor. When Pony brings up a possibility that anchovy eaters have an "anchovy gene," the Mayor reconsiders.

While on break, Steve compliments Trump's Kid while conversing with Frank, claiming the new student is "really down-to-Earth." Changing the subject, Frank asks Steve to proofread his thank-you letter, but one of its lines gets the message a negative view from Steve. After Frank hides from Crystal again, Steve tells Frank to think of a time he was truly grateful for something and work with that. Elsewhere on campus, several people are tested for the hypothetical anchovy gene; Pony guarantees its existence.


Steve in Trump's Kid's clique.

In his apartment, Frank tries to write his letter, keeping genuine gratitude on his mind, but cries in the process and is unable to write due to his childhood being plagued by bullying. As Frank then searches the Internet for gift ideas, Trump's Kid and Steve at VIP Club greet Snizz, a man who's a part of Trump's Kid's inner circle. Trump's Kid and Snizz prove to be perverted and womanizing to a degree that makes Steve uncomfortable. Noticing this, Snizz becomes skeptical about Steve's status, forcing Steve to conform to their ways for the sake of being accepted.

Frank calls a bouquet shop for a gift for Crystal that he can afford. After rushing to make his order, he finds that the bouquet he ordered will send Crystal erroneous messages, and his attempts to cancel the order fail. Meanwhile, a news report airs and claims that the anchovy gene is real. The report cuts to the Mayor, who claims he'll only allow those confirmed to have the gene to eat anchovies, and Pony discovers that Baby Cakes is a fan of both pepperonis and anchovies—a condition colloquially known as "bi-topping-ality"—and is against this condition due to the thought of topping preference being completely binary.

Frank spots the deliveryman making the delivery of the bouquet and demands once again that the deliveryman cancel it. Instead, the deliveryman drives faster, keeping in mind his reputation of delivering all things requested without fail, but the race between him and Frank causes the delivery man to drive off a bridge, setting his truck ablaze and forcing him to abandon the delivery. Witnessing this, Frank plans on a better gift.


Steve introduces Kim to Trump's Kid.

At VIP Club are Snizz, Trump's Kid, and Steve; Trump's Kid introduces more of his celebrity friends to Steve, who tries to conform to the group's lust, wanting to maintain his status as a celebrity. Trump's Kid focuses on Kim, but Steve warns the celebrity she's one of his students. In turn, Trump's Kid thinks introducing Steve to his friends is a giant favor that can be repaid only by Steve getting Trump's Kid with Kim. Relenting, Steve signals Kim to the inner circle, where Trump's Kid flirts with her, stating his desired actions he'll take during their sex session. Kim prepares to leave, but Steve points out Trump's Kid's honesty, a quality that makes Kim decide to stay and agree to the sex she will soon have with Trump's Kid.

At Church of Pizza, the new equipment is set up to test those who order anchovies for the anchovy gene. When Baby Cakes tries to order an anchovy pizza, the equipment shows he doesn't have the right gene. After lying that the swab test was erroneous, Pony and Baby Cakes join the Smiths. Steve's personality changes due to his new clique, while Frank leaves, claiming he's buying a massage chair for Crystal. The massage chair deliveryman is about to deliver the massage chair to Crystal as Frank planned, but the deliveryman drives off when the flower deliveryman pulls up and explains what he thinks is a mistake. Frank tackles the man, who then comes to an understanding when Frank explains that it's now been two weeks since Crystal did him a favor and is in need of a gratuitous repayment.

At a club for bi-toppers, those who like both pepperonis and anchovies enjoy the pizza of their choice, but the diners are interrupted by the Mayor, who claims topping preferences are merely choice, thinking the anchovy gene is a hoax, and the officers arrest those in the club. Meanwhile at Crystal's residence, Frank has the flower deliveryman sing a song to Crystal, but she stops listening mid-way when a line offends her. Obsessed with his reputation, the man breaks down the front door to continue the song but gets shot by Crystal.

At Trump's Kid's residence, Steve sees Kim has a black eye and assumes Trump's Kid assaulted her. Although Trump's Kid states that Kim did this to herself unintentionally, Steve worries he has become too obsessed with the celebrities. Enraged and disbelieving due to his concern with Kim, Steve throws Trump's Kid off the balcony's edge, and Trump's Kid declares Steve is no longer in the celebrity circle. When Steve sees Kim fall and bruise her other eye, he discovers that Trump's Kid was being honest and that he needlessly destroyed his reputation of being a celebrity.


The Mayor enforces the anchovy ban across town.

A news report sheds light to the renewed ban on anchovies, which is effective everywhere, and those caught eating anchovies will be imprisoned. While the anchovy-eaters are brought into the police station, the previously-imprisoned Crystal is already there for alleged murder, and Frank meets with her to show his gratitude for the favor she did him. Frank gives her a saw he smuggled in, and just then, an officer states her "murder" was self-defense and initially sets her free, only to take notice of the saw and keeps her for more questioning as Frank sneaks out of the cell.

Nearby, the Mayor gathers the anchovy-eaters, but Baby Cakes breaks free from his shackles to protest; he gives a speech on how people needlessly care about preference of anything and protests that there should be freedom of choice for pizza toppings. Seeing the logic of Baby Cakes' speech, the Mayor allows both pepperoni and anchovy pizzas to be eaten in his pizzeria, causing the crowd to cheer. The celebration stops when a re-imprisoned Crystal claims she prefers mushrooms, and everyone hypocritically judges her.

Trivia Edit

  • The lunchroom clerk from "Best Face Forward" can be seen as a clerk in Church of Pizza.
  • The Mayor states that he supports homosexual marriage.
  • According to Scrim, the celebrities' father is Warren Buffett.
  • Crystal's license plate reads 585 394, while Trump's Kid's reads 3AD R4T.
  • While leaving the police station, Frank whispers "namaste," a traditional Indian greeting of respect, to Crystal.
  • Before this episode, Crystal covered for one of Frank's classes.
  • Jen and Gang Sang make their last appearances in this episode.

Running Gags Edit

  • The celebrities, and Baby Cakes at the end of the episode, say bit in place of bitch.

Quotes Edit

The Mayor: Mayor got a new law, new law! From here on, anchovy eating is banned in Mayor's Church of Pizza. Do it at home, behind closed doors, because in the eyes of God, the only topping that is right and traditional to be eaten on a bed of dough in the church is pepperoni.

Baby Cakes: Oh my God! I want a pepperoni pizza right now!

Pony: What if I can prove that anchovy eaters have a 'chovy gene?

Trump's Kid: Snizz! How was Dubai!
Snizz: More like Du-Boring.

Baby Cakes: 'Chovies and pepperonis go down so good—together! Oooooh yeah!
Pony: Oh no.

Pony: B.C., you can't like both toppings. We just proved that you either have the anchovy gene, or you don't.
Baby Cakes: I don't know; both felt right.

Billy: B.C. is just a repressed, full-on anchovy-eater, like I was before.
Pony: It makes sense. If he wants anchovies, me must have the anchovy gene, right?
Billy: His love for pepperoni—it's all been a lie.
Baby Cakes: Then I'm the greatest liar ever.

Steve: [Trying to talk Trump's Kid out his lust for Kim] I heard she's supposed to have, like, the worst of the STDs.
Snizz: No way! A baby?

Trump's Kid: I'm hung like a hand, if you know what I mean.
Kim: I super don't.

[Baby Cakes has proven to lack the anchovy gene.]
Pony: No more anchovies, got it?
Baby Cakes: Fine, I'm done experimenting.

Pony: [Seeing Steve spy on a girl] Dude, get your molesterol checked.

[After being surrounded by celebrities, Steve's personality shifts.]
Frank: Who the fuck are you?

Baby Cakes: [Dining on pepperoni- and anchovy-topped pizza simultaneously] I'm so ashamed, but it feels so right.

Sammy: Desire's a spectrum. Some of you are lifetime bi-toppers; some are bi-curious. Some have the gene, but they want their pepperoni too. Some don't have the gene but choose the anchovy when they are drunk.

Kim: [Tripping and hitting her head on a doorknob] Aw, crap! I keep doing that!

Pony: [No longer willing to pursue the cause she created] Why is still going when no more want?

Pony: Now I've got to put on my fucking pants!

Baby Cakes: If a guy chooses to marry another guy, he should be able to, right?
The Mayor: Well, of course.

Baby Cakes: Science is dumb.

[The anchovy ban is lifted, and the crowd celebrates.]
Crystal: I want mushrooms!
[Silence befalls the room.]
Baby Cakes: That is fucking disgusting. I'm glad they got you locked up, you sick-ass bit.

Characters Appearing Edit

Gallery Edit